Transformation...

On my Monday off (thank you Columbus), I was catching up on some of my shows I had saved on the DVR. I was watching Private Practice and Addison said a quote that I instantly fell in love with. Addison is a pediatric surgeon and OB/GYN and she was talking about being in the delivery room when a baby is born: "when a child is born, every cell in a womans body is transformed. She will never be just a woman again, she will forever be a mother. She is transformed. It is exhilarating and terrifying." Truer words have never been spoken.

I was not just transformed into a mother, I was transformed into Noah Atlee Stillwells mother.

I am the mom who sit in the living room floor because I know Noah loves to sit in my lap and play. He just blindly back up and sit down - he knows I am there and he knows he belongs there.

I am the mom who got up with Noah every time and took care of him as an infant. Not because it had to be done, but because I wanted to be the one to do it. We grew a strong connection that way.

I am the mom that feeds and bathes Noah every evening. Not so much because he is dirty and hungry, but because I dreamed of having a routine like this with my child someday in all of those dark days of infertility. My dreams were to care for my child.

I have built a bond with Noah so that he knows he will always be taken care of and he can always trust me. That may be crazy to think about for a child who is one, but kids are smart. They don't just bond with anyone, they are generally very good judges of character.

I sometimes forget how hard we had to work for Noah. We had to wait 4 years from when we started trying to have a baby before we got one. This is nothing compared to some peoples wait and a lifetime compared to others. I know there are alot of people out there struggling and I have several that talk to me about it for advice and I love to talk about it. I remember how hard it can be. I remember in some of my darkest days of infertility I would pray to God how I didn't understand why he would make me want something so bad, but not give it to me. After awhile I accepted that he wasn't ready for me to be a mom yet and I was at peace either way. He made the infertility clinic available to us at a time he knew we were ready for our miracle.

I am so thankful that God chose to transform me into Noah's mother.