Wednesday, October 12, 2011


On my Monday off (thank you Columbus), I was catching up on some of my shows I had saved on the DVR. I was watching Private Practice and Addison said a quote that I instantly fell in love with. Addison is a pediatric surgeon and OB/GYN and she was talking about being in the delivery room when a baby is born: "when a child is born, every cell in a womans body is transformed. She will never be just a woman again, she will forever be a mother. She is transformed. It is exhilarating and terrifying." Truer words have never been spoken.

I was not just transformed into a mother, I was transformed into Noah Atlee Stillwells mother.

I am the mom who sit in the living room floor because I know Noah loves to sit in my lap and play. He just blindly back up and sit down - he knows I am there and he knows he belongs there.

I am the mom who got up with Noah every time and took care of him as an infant. Not because it had to be done, but because I wanted to be the one to do it. We grew a strong connection that way.

I am the mom that feeds and bathes Noah every evening. Not so much because he is dirty and hungry, but because I dreamed of having a routine like this with my child someday in all of those dark days of infertility. My dreams were to care for my child.

I have built a bond with Noah so that he knows he will always be taken care of and he can always trust me. That may be crazy to think about for a child who is one, but kids are smart. They don't just bond with anyone, they are generally very good judges of character.

I sometimes forget how hard we had to work for Noah. We had to wait 4 years from when we started trying to have a baby before we got one. This is nothing compared to some peoples wait and a lifetime compared to others. I know there are alot of people out there struggling and I have several that talk to me about it for advice and I love to talk about it. I remember how hard it can be. I remember in some of my darkest days of infertility I would pray to God how I didn't understand why he would make me want something so bad, but not give it to me. After awhile I accepted that he wasn't ready for me to be a mom yet and I was at peace either way. He made the infertility clinic available to us at a time he knew we were ready for our miracle.

I am so thankful that God chose to transform me into Noah's mother.


  1. Sniffle, sniffle. Beautiful Jessie. Inside and out. Just like you. Love ya.

    April Mays

  2. This is in every way how i hope to feel one day. The days of darkness are my everyday's right now. God blessed you with such a beautiful lil boy and i thank him because through your miracle you have helped me have faith that i can have my own. May God continue to bless your everyday life.