Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Go Back...

If I could go back I would. Without a doubt there are things I would change. Sometimes the positive spin on what could have been set in motion by a change in the past is a risk worth taking. Some things I would for sure go back and do differently:

I would have gotten a different degree in college. I love my job and seriously look forward to going to work. Helping people with disabilities can be very rewarding. Is it my dream job? No. Do I have kid friendly hours? Yes. Am I getting rich? No. Do I get by comfortably? Yes. There is a job I would love to have, but it is just too late for it. I cannot go back to school now for many reasons - my life is now devoted to make the best life for my kids, that is my lifes job and what I really feel God made me to do.

Another thing I would have done differently is be a better parent to Ryan. I truly believe it is my fault she was delayed in her walking and has to have physical therapy that she still hates after 4 months. With Noah, I only had one child. Life was less busy and I feel like I focused more on Noah's milestones than I did with Ryan at that age. So, she started scooting - which I loved and thought was adorable. Apparently scooting made her leg muscles tight or she scooted because her leg muscles were tight - either way, I feel like I was not paying enough attention. I have been told several times it is not my fault, and have had some agree with me that it may be. I will always think it is partially if not all my fault. She is walking so great now and, in my opinion, very close to not needing therapy anymore. This all also plays into having a third child - I am not sure I would be able to give three children the proper attention they deserved.

While I am on the subject of Ryan - I also would have insisted more to my doctor that something was wrong with my pregnancy. I just knew there was (just ask poor Nathan who heard me say it a lot) - I even called the doctor at 3 a.m. once because Ryan was violently shaking in my belly and then stopped. I then convinced myself I was overreacting. I was bleeding at 17 weeks and we never found any reason for it. Then, with her 2 life-threatening conditions surrounding her delivery - I should have insisted more, I just thought I was being silly.

I would have cut people out of my life earlier that wasted my time and used me and at the same time I would seek out people earlier that needed me and that I also needed. I should not have gotten lazy in lifes most important relationships. I also would have searched out lost family earlier in life.

I would have saved money. I hate thinking of all the things in life I have wasted money on. There are so many better things I could have done with that money.

I would have never stopped running. I used to run and really enjoy it. I seriously have trouble finding the time and am in the early stages of running where it is just torture until my body gets used to it. I work 40 hours a week and only get to really see my kids for about 3 hours a day and do not want to waste that leaving them with someone to run. Plus I have to squeeze cleaning house, cooking dinner, and giving baths in there somewhere too. Oh, and sleeping my minimum of 6 hours a night too. For now, it will have to wait.

I wish I would have never stopped playing the piano. I seriously love piano music and listening to it or watching it played. I remember taking lessons and then I remember not taking them anymore and I do not remember why I ever stopped.

I have been a terrible pet person. I wish I would have never gotten the pets we have now. They have all deserved way better that I, truthfully, just cannot give them. They would have all been better off with other owners. I will never willingly get a pet again.

At the same time there are certain things I would never wish to be different. I am happy to have met Nathan so young - we have almost officially been together just as long as apart - 16 years! I love that we have had so much time already to make so many memories.

I am so happy I had such supportive parents (and step-parent) growing up to support whatever I wanted to do. They never questioned me or pushed their wishes on me. They were always "Team Jessie" :)

I am glad I played sports growing up - I played softball and basketball for 9 years, volleyball 5 years and ran cross country and track. You learn a lot about yourself and other people also playing organized sports. They also made for some great memories and friendships.

This may sound crazy but I am glad I delivered Noah drug-free. I would not do it again, and did not want to do it then. But, it showed me how strong I am - stronger than I thought, especially in that moment. I would have always wondered if I could do it and what it felt like. Now I know.

I have seen broken things become beautiful. Lost people found. Even someone so close and special to me completely turn his life around for the better - while I wish he would have never had those struggles, he doesn't. It made him better than he ever would have been without it and it showed me not to give up on people.

But, we can't go back - to change the bad or relive the good. It is what it is. I just wanted to document this so in a few years I can see if I still wish to change a few things and if my past positives are still positive in my life.

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